Saturday, May 8, 2010

I was once a Mom... for a brief moment

It's Mother's Day again. This is the day when I can't help but feel touchy. I can't help but feel too sensitive about a lot of things. And I can't help it if I feel like crying.

Though I have made the decision not too long ago not to have a child no more... I still feel that empty hallow feeling at the pit of my stomach every time this special day come. But trust me, the feeling passes by so quickly as that special day does.

No... don't feel bad for me. My decision to remain childless is final, unless otherwise God has other plans for me. Don't pity me. I am all set with being childless and I don't feel bad about it. Don't judge me. It is the best decision I made for myself and I don't regret it.

Yes... I love children but having one is not for me. I love children... but maybe  I am not meant to be a mother. I love the child that I once had and it will remain in my heart forever.

I am 45 year old... and though I am still capable of bearing a child... the risk for me to have one is so high. And if I do get pregnant at this age and give birth to a healthy baby... the responsibility of raising a child is too overwhelming for me. I am not getting any younger. If I have a baby this year... I will be 55 years old when she or he turns 10... and 65 years old when he or she turns 20. I'm not just doing the math here... I am just accepting the fact and making sense of the reality of life. At 65 years old I wanted to retire and relax and enjoy life. It will be too selfish to do so if I have a child going to college.

Though, I believe many won't agree with my reasons... I believe that I am responsible enough to not have one if I cannot be a good mom. Life is too short and I want to make the most out of it. I salute all mothers in the world and the sacrifices that you are doing for the sake of your children. And to you... my deepest respect I offer.

I was once a Mom... and for that brief moment in my life as a woman... I did feel being a real mom. My little angel though is just watching me from up above... will remain in my heart to treasure. And I will always cherish that special moment that I had with him no matter how short and vague.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers in the world.


Lamielle here! said...

Oh...I am so sorry to hear that Amiga. I didn't know :( But I am so proud of you because your a strong, independent woman na tinitingala ng marami, and I am one of them. I also think that your decision is right and people should respect that. inaalala mo lng yung kapakanan ng bata and if God's will naman eh..I am sure you will be one of the best mother alive. Thanks for sharing and have a lovely Sunday with your hubby :)

ruthinian said...

@Lam... Thank you Amiga for the understanding and respecting my conviction on having a child. However, I believe that the maternal instinct and mother figure in me will always stand out childless or not. Take care.

Unknown said...

Hello Ruthi, I believe, you know what's best for you.
Having said your unselfish reasons for choosing not to have a child makes you a mother more.

Have a good day!


Icy BC said...

Ruthi, you're ripping my heart apart with this post. I admire your decision not to have children, no judging, just plain admiration.

God might has other plans for us, Ruthi..I truly believe that..
Take care of yourself and be gentle to yourself..Hugs on that special day!

ruthinian said...

@Cee... Thanks. I already accepted the fact that I will only be a mother figure to every child. hahahaha

ruthinian said...

@Icy... thanks for the understanding and admiration. I know not a lot of people will understand but knowing that there are few who respect my decision is something huge. Hugs to you to my friend.